Son to Father

The conversation was too late.  My father called to give me his advice against divorcing my wife, who had recently bore our first child.  But, the decision had already been made in my mind and heart.  For a very brief moment I thought, you did the same thing and now you want to warn me.  The pain I felt from being a son would not allow me to receive warning of the pain I would feel as a father.

There are many things that I wished I known as a child.  I often wondered what I could have done better, or different, to maintain a relationship with my father.  There were times when I daydreamed about how my life would have been different with my father’s daily involvement.  My mind grappled with how my biological father felt about another man having daily access and influence over my development, even if the other man is a very good man.  When I learned that my father, too, was abandoned, I could not help but wonder if his absentee father had some type of affect on him.

The hours and miles of distance between our physical stations never stopped the mental and emotional connection that I shared with my father, nor did they stop the hurt or disappointment from the unspoken expectations that I placed on the relationship that never materialized.  My father could have never known how much I loved and adored him, or the countless moments of resentment that built with each holiday and birthday.

I can only imagine the things my father wished for during this period.  He may have wished that the miles and hours between us never existed.  Or, that his personal resources afforded him the opportunity to bridge the long stride more frequently.  I wonder if there were holidays, birthdays, and sporting events where he, too, wanted to be present.  All of these I can imagine vividly – because I did not heed my father’s advice.

The son is now the father that is stressed by the distance of miles and hours from his son.  I now know what it feels like to be separated physically and seemingly emotionally from your first born child and son.  Now my wonderings about how my father felt has shifted to what things my son wishes he knew.  Does he know that I still love him with every ounce of me?  Does he know that it hurts to even think of how I have let him down, especially on holidays, his birthday, and every one of his games?  And even though he has a very good man in his life on a daily basis, and I support this man fully, how I still wish that it was me that he called Dad?  I wonder if when the time comes that he too will need advice about his spouse and children – if he will turn a deaf ear to me – as I did to my father?  I fear that my prayers and fasting will not be enough to break this curse.

Knowing better means doing better.  So, I began by accepting every opportunity my father offered to be in my life.  I have been blessed to have two men that love me enough to consider me their son.  But, there is nothing like having my father in my life at this stage and knowing that he has loved me all along.  I also fight the urge to give up on a ‘right now’ relationship with my son.  He has a great home environment, and a man that loves him dearly in that home.  Unselfishly, I do not want to add to his confusion.  However, it would be selfish if I allowed his imagination to hang in an empty balance wondering where I stood in regards to him.  I am my father’s first born son, and I know that he is proud of the man I have become.  I want my son to be proud of me too – and that requires me giving him every chance to know me, especially as a father that once was the son he is now.