Fresh New Shoes

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My son received a fresh new pair of Jordan shoes. This was enough to turn my attention towards his outfit this morning as he has sworn off Jordan shoes for years.  He has also stayed away from mostly white shoes, especially after I preached that white shoes only have value as long as they are stay white.  I am teaching him to weight his decisions against the responsibility and consequences of his choices, and in the case of white shoes that means cleaning them with each wear. Obviously, something about this pair of shoes caught his attention when he and his mother made the purchase, as the brand and color stand in complete opposition to all of his previous choices.

He treated these shoes as if they were a rare discovery, like a fragile flower found in some remote deserted island, presumed to cure all the world’s diseases.  I wish you could see how carefully he handled these shoes as they were removed from the box.  If I didn’t know any better, I would testify that I heard harps and a choir of young angels singing as he admired the fresh pair of shoes before sliding them on top his custom NBA player screen printed, three quartered socks.  His normal routine of getting dressed for school took an extra ordinary amount of patience while he handled his new  ‘wheels’ with care.

It happened to storm on this morning, the day that he chose to introduce his world, a large middle school campus where he claims a fair amount of popularity, to his fresh new shoes.  A reasonable mind would have restock the coveted purchase and waited for better weather, but my son is committed to his ideals, if nothing else. We discussed his plan of keeping these fresh new shoes clean on a day when the environment was a clear threat against the whitewalls of his fresh new shoes. He proudly exclaimed, “I will just have to be very careful where I step and how I climb the stairs.”  The most comical part of the morning was when we arrived to his school watching him step out of the vehicle and walk across the courtyard in his fresh new shoes.  I have never seen a kid walk so delicately.

I literally laughed out loud while driving away from his campus. However, suddenly, I found myself in a deep contemplative decline over the parallel of those fresh new shoes and brand new relationships. I know my son fairly well.  He will make one or two attempts to recover the whiteness of those shoes.  Once they experience a few run ins with their natural environments and the nature win as it does what it is supposed to – a pre-teen will do what he is supposed to and neglect to clean his shoes.  After a few attempts to resuscitate the feeling he held in the beginning, these shoes will lose the grip that it once held on his attention span.

I wondered how many of us treat new relationships, friendships, career opportunities, ministry appointments or other endeavors that involve human feelings, interactions or commitments in the same manner as these fresh new shoes.  It feels good to encounter someone that captures your attention, especially when it is a relationship that has taken a while to develop.  There is a high degree of caution used in new relationships, possibly to avoid offending, scarring, or marking the newness of the relationship.  Maybe the motivation is to earn a fair chance to show ones best side before a firm opinion is made.  It could be that caution is exercised to avoid  over-doing or saying something that might cause the other person to shut down.  In either case, the opportunity is initially handled with extreme care, as in the case of fresh new shoes.

My son will surely continue to enjoy his newest acquisition.  I look forward to hearing about how his friends and classmates responded to the fresh new shoes.  Equally, I await the opportunity to see if he will work to maintain their whiteness.  And when the moment is right, I will use his actions towards the shoes as a chance to share a lesson on friendships and other types of relationships.  His friends are certainly very important to him.  The evidence of their importance was present in each in everyone of those delicate steps across the wet and slightly muddy concrete pavers on the courtyard in front of his large middle school.

His shoes will get tested time and again.  As time and nature will test all of our relationships. Once life has its way we find out how much we really appreciate the relationships or the opportunities. Through the occupancy of natural tests, the true committed person is separated from those that are involved as long as it just feels good to them.

Why #AllLivesMatter is Culturally Insensitive

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The T Room

America is exploding with racial tension. We, who are children of those who lived through the Civil Rights Era, often subscribe to the belief that life is better for Black people than it was in previous years. We’re not wrong about that. Life is better. Laws protect us from blatant disregard for our daily rights. Laws protect us from lynch mobs and directly racist efforts to stunt our progress. Laws say that we are equal and that we have as much access and right to the “American Dream” as anyone else.

Unfortunately, laws cannot protect us from hearts. Laws cannot protect us from people who shoot first and ask later (or not at all). Laws cannot protect us from the snap judgement that registers when ill-equipped officers respond to situations involving persons they’ve been taught to fear.

In the wake of the #MikeBrown shooting in Ferguson, MO and, more recently…

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Destiny

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It was not long after I had healed from the devastating blow of feeling rejected and abandoned by someone I wanted to marry that I was asked a common, but profound question.  The inquisitor was a middle aged gentleman that I had become acquainted with through a local fitness club.  We had never worked out together or held any conversation of substance.  Yet, on this afternoon he chose me to present this weighty question.  He asked me directly, “how do you know when you have found the right one?”  The fact that God obviously sent him to me assured me that I was not only healed, but better prepared to distinguish between a decoy, distraction, or destiny.

I would have loved to answer the question I was asked with a philosophical response.  The provocative thinker in me wanted to expound on discerning the differences between the decoy, the distraction, and our destiny, particularly how the distinction is complicated by the common challenge of first identifying our purpose in life.  It is not an easy task to arrive at the conclusion of why God placed any of us on this earth or at this time.  A foundation theory that I present is that in order for us to appreciate our destiny, and avoid compromising that destiny through decoys or distractions, it is helpful for us to know our source, God, and why we were created.  Before we tackle any derivative of our destiny it would seem logical that we first gain insight into our global purpose.

Here is why I think we must start large and drill down to the specific why questions on our destiny.  Discovering our any aspect of our destiny is important to our quality of life.  However, too narrow a focus results in many of us living without concrete evidence that we are on track with our destiny.  The lack of constant confirmation often places us in a quandary and leaves us questioning ourselves and God.

Therefore, once we gain knowledge about where we are headed, then we can begin to search for keys to a successful journey.  For instance, the course of our lives, the tools of character that we will need to obtain, and how will take the journey with us.  As if it was not tough enough to receive knowledge about our destiny we still have to find our way through the maze of life.

The task of knowing our destiny is not easy.  I have taken an unknown number of courses and sat through hours of lectures on finding my purpose.  The first time I heard something that actually made sense was during a sermon.  The preacher exclaimed that our purpose is threaded through our life experiences; therefore, we only need to trace backwards and identify the common themes of our lives.  The analogy was very helpful as I begin to look back over my life for those moments when I was most sure that God was using me.

The same preacher added that our destiny is sometimes revealed in the things that we are capable of doing, but have a fear associated with the task.  I have heard it said differently, “if the opportunity does not scare you, then it is not of God.”  In other words, if you can do it all on your own without God and that does not scare you, and then you have likely set your goal too low, and you under estimate your real purpose.

A challenge that we each have is remaining aware of those decoy opportunities.  Further, we are nearly always distracted by opportunities to gain something different than what we are supposed to seek.  Collectively, distractions are illegal motives or immoral ventures that separate us from God’s plan.

The division between uncertainty and knowing God’s plan for our lives is closed through information and relationship.  Spending time with God develops relationship and provides information on achieving our destiny.  Finding our destiny, whether globally or in specific areas as with the gentleman from the fitness club is a matter of discerning where you are on the journey.  We know when we are on the right path of destiny when the journey moves from gathering information to receiving affirmation.  God’s affirmation is like the sky opening up and rays of glory shine down to show us the path of life.

The Distraction

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One of the worst experiences of parenting is when we begin to realize that our children have the same challenges that we possessed.  It usually comes to our attention during a lecture to our children.  There is something about hearing our words and realizing that we are chastising them for something that we struggle with.  While lecturing my child about the value of paying attention it dawned on me that I too still struggle with distractions.  One of my greatest life challenges that I now realize will be shared through my child is remaining free from distractions.

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It seems unfair to place blame on distractions as a source of any problem since they are so common.  Yet, we have power over the choices that we make.  Or do we?  Some distractions appear to have genuine meaning and purpose, which makes it easy for us to be pulled away from our purpose.  For instance, you planned to graduate from college, but you were distracted by an unplanned pregnancy.

Even in the case of distractions that anyone could understand, such as those decisions that exhibit your ability to set appropriate priorities we need to ask ourselves important questions.  Is this decision in line with the purpose that God has for my life?  Could I accomplish this particular objective a way that does not forsake the Creator’s plan?  Am I giving up, giving in, or giving away my destiny?  The charge of staying focused means just that – focus even when we meet legitimate causes.

The nature of a distraction leads me to believe that they are not of God.  God intervenes, which is different from distractions as the former serves to put us back on track.  I would even argue that our primary distractions fall within a specific category catered to our particular weakness.  In almost every instance I can place my distractions into three categories: 1) a desire for companionship, 2) seeking acceptance or approval, and 3) the accumulation of wealth.  Discerning the ways that the enemy will attack you is very important to designing a strategy for winning.

My challenge involves helping my child to see how those things that he allows to distract him are not serving him well.  I should help him discover his areas of weakness that subject him to distractions.  So far it appears that his distractions are rooted in ambition.  I first witnessed this when he was enrolled in a Montessori class at three years old.  His challenge that year was mastering the three year old curriculum as he constantly wanted to tackle the five year old material.  The danger was that he would have missed the foundational information that he needed to build on for even more advanced material.

Whatever the distraction may be there are some simply truths.  Primary is that distractions are often disguised as your purpose.  We expose this fallacy through measuring the choices we make against what is in our best interest long term.  An additional consideration is that we often believe in those moments that we do not have any other options.  The fact remains that we limit our own possibilities through accepting that the door in front of us is the only way out when in reality we are distracted from seeking another exit.

The key to conquering distractions is through knowing both your strengths and weaknesses.  Our strengths commonly point to our true purpose, and our weaknesses inform us where we need to remain prayerful.  Guard yourselves against disguised destiny also as known as distractions.  Remain prayerful and purposeful in those endeavors that you know are God’s destiny for your life.

The Decoy

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His words hung on me like an over-sized suit that was being handed down from an older brother to his younger sibling.  I was not big enough to fit this suit, nor was I mature enough to understand the value of what I was being given.  Wisdom is earned through experience and maturity, and I felt as if I were being asked to grow up too soon.  The choice really was no longer mine.  Despite my personal feelings on the matter reality was cold and very harsh.  She was gone and never coming back.

My journey to disappointment began on a Sunday morning while in a worship service.  I picked up my two year old son and kneel at the altar for prayer.   To sum up the prayer it went something like this, “Father God, I am tired of being alone.  Please send my wife.  And please send her now.  Amen.”  I returned to my seat with immediate expectations of meeting my future wife, so I started looking at the women that sat around us.  As I now reflect, it must have made a few of them nervous or uncomfortable as I have been accused of having an intense stare.

The Singles Ministry had setup an information table on the outside of the sanctuary exit on the same morning.  I approached the table out of curiosity as I had recently applied for the leader of the ministry, without knowing anything about the post or any of its members.  My purpose was to gather material on the ministry, so I was looking at the handouts on table as I walked up.  I did not notice any of the persons hosting the table, but when I finally looked up I was greeted by a beautiful woman with a delightful smile.

Frankly, my mind was still on a lady in saw in the sanctuary that I thought had gotten away.  Since I was distracted I only asked a few questions about the ministry, which the lady helping me was unable to answer at the time.  How ironic, she served at an information table but could not answer any of the questions I had?  It turns out that she had only agreed to serve in the place of an acquaintance and was not suppose to be at the table.

It appeared to me as only an act of kindness when she offered to take my phone number and follow up with me when she discovered the answers to my questions.  Needless to say this was a ploy on her part that I completely missed.  Weeks later she confessed that I had been one of her targets at the church for months but the opportunity for us to meet had not materialized until that morning.

She did call and had answers for each of my questions.  The initial phone call lasted for hours and lead to a lunch meeting, which progressed to a dinner date.  From that first date we spent the next eight months together and were nearly inseparable.  The morning after our first date she asked excitedly, “will you marry me?”, and I accepted.   It all happened so fast that I attributed the whole encounter to an answer from my prayer.  How else could the chance encounter on the same morning as my prayer lead to one date that resulted in her proposing?  She was incredibly attractive, very intelligent, successful in her career, and rooted in Jesus Christ as exhibited best by a vow of celibacy.  In that moment I thought for sure she was my destiny.

A short nine months later I found myself heartbroken and perplexed by an abrupt separation.  The same woman that had proposed marriage to me; said that she loved me with her whole heart, first; then, introduced me to every meaningful person in her life as the man she would marry; stated that she had made a mistake and could no longer be in my life in the manner that we dreamed.  My recourse was to seek counsel from a man that served as a spiritual adviser and that I had adopted as a big brother.

As I replayed all of the wonderful moments and how everything just seemed to fall into place I was absolutely lost for reasoning over the outcome.  Certainly we both had faults.  Yet, this woman presented everything that I thought I wanted in a wife.  She indulged me in every way and never hinted that she was not satisfied with our relationship.  I was the one that asked God over again could this be real.  I was far from perfect and presented a host of challenges, but she accepted each blemish and still seemed to want me the way that I wanted us.  Our life together read like a fairy tale for nearly eight months.  But God shared something that would take me months to embrace.  She was only a decoy.

My friend and mentor stated, “When we reveal our desires the enemy will attempt to destroy them, and one of the tactics is to send a decoy.”  How does anyone contextualize being swayed by a decoy? I did not want to accept that reality.  What I wanted was to hear a plan of action of how I could win her back, rescue her heart from whoever kidnapped it from my embrace.  I needed reassurance that this was only a test, and all that was required was faith in order to pass.  However, what I gained was the beginning of a new perspective on this journey called life.

I was able to take the possibility of decoy blessings and measure other disappointments in my life against its truth.  Quite a few of the negative circumstances that I had faced in professional and social situations begin to resemble the present encounter with a decoy blessing.  The new awareness gained through connecting the points of intersection in these disappointments helped me to see a weakness in my approach to life.  As a result, I became more attentive to the substance of opportunities.

Decoys lack real substance, and thus cannot be sustained.  To add insult to my injuries, I was able to see a pattern where I fought hard to keep decoy relationships with people, places, and things alive, even after realizing that I was the only reason those relationships were surviving.  As desperate as I was to develop a test for decoys I needed to be careful.   The wrong assumption includes thinking it is as easy as taking my hands off a situation and seeing if it survives.  What worked in my favor in nearly all of my encounters with decoys is that no matter how hard I tried to keep things alive the relationships falter on their own.  Even when we are unable to discern a decoy, its weak nature will reveal itself.

In the end, the response that I chose, which I advise others to repeat is see each encounter with a decoy as a blessing.  These are the moments that prepare us for our future and give us wisdom.  We can choose to live in what we believe was supposed to be, or accept what clearly is.  Besides, moving away from a decoy creates space for our destiny.

The Decoy The Distraction and Our Destiny: Part I, Overview

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Chances are you have looked over the aftermath of a plan and wondered what happened.  You too are perplexed why it was not executed well.  The end result of your blood sweat and tears looked far different than you desired, believed you deserved and knew God destined for you.  The most hurtful part is that from the very beginning of that endeavor you knew it was purposed as everything about it fit the desires of your heart.  This move was destined, so the fact that you did not meet the goal is cause for both doubt and shame.  However, what if it was not you or them or it that failed but rather the culprit was external?  Here is what I am suggesting that there is a narrow margin between a decoy, a distraction, and your destiny.  The differences are not always detectable on the front end of a journey.  Our best way of preventing disappointment is to grow in discerning which we are engaging early enough to determine sure success.

Here are the effects of going all in on a project – only to end up with an undesired result.  We ask the questions: So, what went wrong?  How could I have not seen this coming?  What could I have done differently or better?  Will I ever recover from this mistake?  Can I trust myself or my capacity to make good decisions?  These are very good questions, but any answer to these will only cover the surface.  To dig deeper we must ask these questions:  What did I learn in this experience?  What were the early signs that this was not my destiny?  Did I miss details that could have minimized my initial investment or losses?  Am I a better person for the experience?  Can I use this lesson to help someone else?

My argument is that the decoy, the distraction and our destiny have too many similar characteristics; therefore, distinguishing between these may not always be an option.  However, at some point in our journey, hopefully before we have committed every resource available we should be able to discern whether we are on a destined course.  And when we get it wrong we must learn how to recover quickly realizing that all is not lost in the cases where we are mistaken.  For every journey has value to ourselves and others if we adopt the right perspective – the perspective we can learn from everything.

I further believe that the narrow distinction is intentional.  These initially parallel courses are both allowed by God and used by an enemy.  As a matter of fact, truth that is misapplied or misunderstood is often far more harmful than a plain lie.  A decoy holds well under scrutiny as the truth, but with enough pressure will reveal its faults.  A distraction is usually an absolute truth, just not the truth that is relevant for the course.  Only our destiny endures the arduous examination and connects us with where we are supposed to be in life.

As we explore in greater detail each path, then be present with the fact that failure is not always our fault.  Agree to realize that every step of our journey is useful, even when we have committed an error in judgment.  I will expand on each path through personal testimony with the hopes of encouraging and teaching each of us how to recognize the difference, and in the case of failure how to re-engage our purpose.  In order to learn through our mistakes and the missteps of others we must open first to forgiveness.  Let go of any resentment towards self and others, likewise put away all fear and doubt.  Move forward with the expectation that this journey will be richer as you learn to discern the marginal separation of the decoy, the distractions and your destiny.